I had trouble getting up this morning, but I finally managed to roll out from underneath your mom.

When your mom hears my name, she thinks of balls and sore foreheads.

I caught your mom masturbating with a lollipop, and off in the distance, Willy Wonka screamed in fury.

When Smokey the Bear saw your mom in the woods, he set her on fire.

When your mom came out to the swimming pool, the lifeguard pointed at her and blew his whistle non-stop until he passed out.

Your mom used my electric weed wacker to trim her bush, but it jammed in ten seconds and the whole neighborhood suddenly lost power.

I wondered why your mom had chocolate all over her mouth, and why my dog’s asshole was so clean. Then, I saw your dad with his camera, laughing like a dick.

Webster’s Dictionary sent your mom a bill because she redefines the word “cow” and they had to reprint everything.

I once hired a detective to follow your mom, but he kept getting stuck in drive-thru lines.

Your mom went to the airport, and when she walked through the body scanner all the security guards started attacking each other in fear.

When your mom tried on a fur coat at the mall, everyone panicked and the manager called the zoo.

I have a photo of your mom hanging on the wall, and people always ask me, “What dog breed is that?”