When God made your mom, He was taking a shit. That’s why.

Your mom sat down on a gay man, and when she stood up he was still gay.

A local rock band needed a new drummer. So, they had your mom go face down on the ground with her giant hairy ass facing the sky, and they tested out drummers.

Your mom sat on a rose, and when she stood up there was fertilizer.

I gave your mom a gentle push, then went and washed my finger.

I took a shit that looked just like the Virgin Mary. Your mom was there and I sold it to her for a million dollars.

I was running on the treadmill when your mom tackled me, grabbing me inappropriately. I called Animal Control so it all worked out.

Your dad asked me to pass the gravy, so I told your mom to crawl over to him.

Your mom drinks gravy like coffee.

When they filmed the movie We Bought a Zoo, they didn’t know your mom was included, too.

Your mom’s forehead looked red and sore, so I zipped up and let her stand.

I dropped your mom off at Wendy’s, when she left all the fries were soggy.